What Your Child’s Behavior Is Telling You - by Morgan Coburn
It All Begins Here
Children can behave in ways that confuse us. Whether that is a tantrum out of nowhere or a kick to the shins, we find ourselves asking, “Why aren’t you listening? Why are you acting this way?” Those questions often lead to deeper, more challenging questions like, “What am I doing wrong?” or “Did I cause this?”
When children struggle with behavior, it is easy to become focused on stopping the behavior itself. We try consequences, explanations, rewards, reminders, and lectures. Sometimes they work for a moment. Sometimes they don’t seem to work at all.
But children aren’t behaving this way to be bad. As child psychologist Dr. Ross Greene says, “Kids do well if they can.”
So what if, in that moment, they can’t do well? What if they are trying but failing because they don’t yet have the skills, understanding, or support they need?
If that’s the case, then we need to understand what they’re trying to say. We need to attune to what their behavior is communicating. If we can see where they’re trying to get a need met, we can help them both get the need met and learn healthier ways of meeting that need in the future.
Behavior Is Communication
One of the foundational ideas of my work is that behavior is communication.
When a child has a tantrum, they may be communicating that they’re tired, overwhelmed, disappointed, hungry, or in need of connection. When a child starts hitting you and calling you names, they may be communicating, “I’m hurt,” “I’m frustrated,” “I don’t know what to do with this feeling,” or “I need space.”
Children are still developing their communication skills. Often, they feel much more than they can express with words. They experience emotions that are bigger than their ability to communicate them, so those emotions come out through their actions and behaviors.
Instead of asking, “Why did they do that?” what if we asked, “What are they trying to communicate but can’t?”
That shift allows us to meet children where they are. If we can understand what a child is trying to communicate, we can help them put words to their experience, get their needs met, and learn healthier ways of expressing those needs in the future.
Imagine a child happily watching a favorite show. When a parent announces that screen time is over, the child immediately begins screaming and kicking. From the outside, it may look like defiance. But underneath the behavior may be disappointment, overwhelm, difficulty with transitions, or a nervous system struggling to adapt to an unexpected change.
When we understand what behavior is communicating, we move beyond simply reacting to what we see on the surface. We begin to understand the experience underneath it.
The Nervous System and Regulation
To understand behavior, we have to understand the nervous system.
When children feel safe, connected, and regulated, they are more able to listen, learn, solve problems, and manage their emotions. They can access the skills we often ask them to use, such as sharing, waiting, following directions, and using words to communicate.
When children become overwhelmed, however, their nervous system can shift into survival mode.
For some children, survival mode looks like fighting or fleeing. They may hit, kick, yell, argue, run away, or become defiant. For other children, survival mode looks like shutting down. They may withdraw, avoid, refuse to respond, or seem disconnected from what is happening around them.
In these moments, children are not necessarily choosing to be difficult. Their nervous system is telling them that something feels unsafe, overwhelming, or too big to handle.
This is why logic often does not work during a meltdown.
As adults, we often respond by explaining why a child’s behavior is wrong. We remind them of the rules, tell them to calm down, or ask them to make better choices. While these responses are well intentioned, a dysregulated child has less access to the very skills we are asking them to use.
The logical and reflective parts of the brain become less accessible when the nervous system is overwhelmed. Before children can learn, reason, problem-solve, or listen, they first need help returning to a regulated state.
Regulation comes before reasoning.
What Children Need From Us
If behavior is communication and dysregulation limits a child’s ability to think logically, then what do children need from us in these moments?
First, they need us to regulate ourselves.
When our children are overwhelmed, it is natural for us to become overwhelmed too. We may feel frustrated, embarrassed, helpless, or angry. But children look to the adults around them for cues about whether they are safe. When we are able to remain grounded, we create the conditions for our children to do the same.
This process is called co-regulation.
Children are not born knowing how to calm themselves down. They learn regulation through relationships with caring adults who help them navigate difficult emotions over and over again.
Co-regulation does not mean giving in or removing boundaries. It means helping a child feel safe enough to return to a state where learning and problem-solving can occur.
We can acknowledge a child’s feelings while still holding limits:
“I understand you’re angry, and I won’t let you hit.”
“I know you want more screen time, and it’s dinnertime.”
Understanding behavior is not the same as excusing behavior.
When you say:
“Okay, just one more episode.”
“Fine, do whatever you want.”
“I know you’re upset, so you don’t have to come to dinner,”
you are telling your child that behaving this way gets them what they want, which is not what we want to teach.
In fact, children often feel safest when adults can do both: understand their experience and maintain clear, predictable boundaries.
When Connection Breaks: A Simple Sequence
When connection breaks, you can follow this basic sequence:
Notice what you are feeling internally.
Regulate your own emotions first.
Stay present in the room.
Get curious about what your child may be experiencing.
Attune to their perspective before speaking.
Respond with safety.
Repair and teach once the storm has passed.
What to Do When Nothing Seems to Be Working
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, behavior continues.
We read the books. We try the strategies. We stay calm. We set boundaries. And yet we still find ourselves wondering why things aren’t getting better.
When this happens, it is easy to blame ourselves. We begin to wonder whether we are doing something wrong or whether we have somehow failed our child.
But persistent behavioral challenges are not always a sign that a parent is doing something wrong.
Sometimes children need more support.
Sometimes parents need more support.
And sometimes families need more support.
Behavior that continues despite our best efforts may be telling us that something deeper needs our attention. A child may be struggling with anxiety, ADHD, autism, sensory differences, developmental challenges, stress, grief, trauma, or other experiences that make it difficult for them to regulate and communicate their needs.
Rather than asking, “How do I make this behavior stop?” it can be helpful to ask, “What is this behavior telling me that I haven’t understood yet?”
That shift from judgment to curiosity often opens the door to new possibilities.
Seeking support is not a sign of failure. In fact, it is often a sign that we are paying attention.
Children were never meant to be raised in isolation.
Parents were never meant to have all the answers.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is invite additional support, perspective, and understanding into the process.
Final Thoughts
If there is one thing I hope parents take away from this article, it is this:
Your child’s behavior makes sense.
That does not mean every behavior is acceptable. It does not mean every behavior should continue. It means that beneath every behavior is a child trying to communicate something they do not yet have the words, skills, or capacity to express.
When we shift our focus from controlling behavior to understanding it, we begin to see children differently. We become more curious. More reflective. More attuned to what is happening beneath the surface.
And when children feel seen, understood, and supported, they are better able to develop the skills they need to communicate, regulate, and navigate the world around them.
Behavior is communication.
When we learn to listen to what behavior is telling us, we create opportunities for connection, growth, and healing, both for our children and for ourselves.
When You’re Ready for More Support
If any part of this article resonates with you, know that you do not have to navigate these challenges alone. Additional support can help provide perspective, tools, and understanding when behavior feels confusing or overwhelming.
Morgan Coburn offers family consulting and parent support services to help caregivers better understand their children’s behavior and strengthen connection within the family. RTC Bellevue also offers a variety of relationship-based therapy services and resources for children, adults, couples, and families.
If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or simply want support in understanding your child’s unique needs, I encourage you to reach out.